That’s it. Christmas 2019 is coming to an end. Bellies are hopefully full, children are filled with memories, their parents with the bills. The Montreal Canadiens’ players and everyone in the organization are spending quality and well deserved time with their family, putting hockey behind them. It’s a good Christmas for them, winning 3 out of 4 games on their annual Canadian western swing, pushed by a strong fan base in each of those cities.
It’s sad that we have to put disclaimers now days, in an attempt to spell it out when you’re joking, as snowflakes are getting offended by anything and everything. Those who have been following for a while will know that I like, at this time of year, to go with lighter topics, geared towards getting a rest as a writer, and as readers, from the heavy, day to day problems facing the Canadiens. So this is in the same category. Something not to take literally, but with a grain of salt… perhaps even with lime and a shot of tequila!
Luke Richardson – A smart TV
Yes, a big sized, extra smart one too! Luke could really use it to look closely and try figuring out a solution to teach the team’s defensemen how to defend a two-on-one. I mean really… we teach kids at atom and peewee – wait, I can’t say that either right, ’cause midget is derogatory – to take the man without the puck and leave the shooter to the goaltender. I’m pretty sure that Luke didn’t teach them to play a two-on-one that way! Right Luke?… Right?
Carey Price – November battery pack
I mean come on! We know that he’s the highest paid goaltender in hockey. We know that when he’s on, he’s arguably the best goalie in the world but what’s with the month of November?
- November 2018: 3-5-2 with a 3.81 goals against average and a .886 saves percentage
- November 2019: 4-5-2 with a 3.77 goals against average and a .883 saves percentage
So perhaps having a battery pack in his pants to ensure he displays more energy would help? But just for November. Imagine his numbers the other months!
Keith Kinkaid – smart blocker with emojis
Speaking of goaltenders, what ever happened to the solid backup we were sold on? To Keith defense, how can you make yourself justice when you only played 5 NHL games so far this season? But also, it Claude Julien‘s defense, how can you justify playing a goalie with a 4.24 goals against average and a .875 saves percentage? Perhaps when Carey is done come December 1st with his battery pack, he could re-gift it to Kinkaid? Oh I know… he’s very good with emojis so let’s put a smartphone on his blocker and call it the smartblock. No wait, that’s what I call it when I block Bruins and Maple Leafs’ fans on Twitter!
Shea Weber – Jet skates
Do we really need to explain this one? One of the best defensemen in the NHL, he’s finally healthy and we can see the results. He alone is feeding his detractor more crow than they can handle but he could definitely use a boost on the ice from time to time. Something tells me that his days racing horses is coming to an end… but not his character, leadership, shutdown abilities and obviously offense.
Penalty kill – defibrillator
From a year ago, the Canadiens have fixed their power play which now ranks eighth in the NHL at the Christmas break. The penalty kill however has gone down the drain. Perhaps one of the fired coaches so far this season in the NHL has thrown out his playbook and we could rip a page to try something different with the penalty kill? The Habs are 27th in the league short-handed, only killing 75.2% of the penalties… I little jolt couldn’t hurt!
Marc Bergevin – Willy warmer
Few are the GMs in the league with as much “balls” as Bergevin. He’s certainly not afraid to trade big name players and that, even when they’re fan favourites and his trades record is excellent so far. But vast majority of those trades are completed during the off-season, the “easy” time of year. When the weather gets cold, the balls shrink and Bergevin seem to freeze, having a history of failing to address fill his team’s needs on-the-fly. Perhaps a Willy Warmer would provide the necessary warmth to get something done when his team needs it, in-season that is?
Fake Reporters – more coal for their printers
It always seems to be the same culprits, doesn’t it? The Brendan Kelly, Réjean Tremblay, Tony Marinaro, Richard Labbé and company, constantly spitting on the Habs and feeding on some fans’ gullibility to gain some sort of self-feeling of importance, of notoriety. You know, when readership, listenership and hits are more important than doing their job: reporting. No, “reporters” like that don’t get presents from Santa as their present would be to see the Canadiens fail. Instead, Santa brings them coal. But they need more as they don’t use ink for their printers and pens, but rather coal… mixed with venom.
There you have it folks. Oh there are more but really, how much of this nonsense can someone take? I could have spoken about the NHL referees or the league’s commissioner… but that would have been too easy. Enjoy the next few days folks, as we’ll be back encouraging our Habs for their next game on December 28th! Go Habs Go!